Struggling to belong! 

L.I.F.E

It's been a long time again since I wrote last. I generally write when I am filled with different kinds of emotions. This is for the first time or after a while (that I cannot remember last when) that I am writing when I have no idea about how I feel.

Life has become quite hectic. It just is moving..moving with a pace that I do not really understand. Sometimes, I feel its just how headless chickens move..they just have to! And so am I - just moving without a direction! Sometimes I feel its pretty structured - managing different things and different aspects of life. For the first time ever, I have to think about the 'so-called' "Work Life Balance".

In the midst of all the structured and/or the unstructured life that I have - I am still finding myself. Sometimes its while I am driving, sometimes its in historical monuments, sometimes in books, sometimes in cafes I used to go back in TFI, sometimes in pictures from friends of the places and things I have treasured, and sometimes by just being LOST in this very world!

I have a huge weakness - my past tends to become a very significant present in my life! But I guess, something you are really true to, hardly ever leaves you!

And with this spirit, let me sign off by writing here a very small poem I recently wrote -

My life as I see it,

Is sometimes sweet,

As sweet as a rhythmic beat,

That sounds pleasing and complete!

My life as I see it,

Is sometimes bitter,

As bitter as a cycle squeak,

That causes jitters!

My life as I see it,

Is sometimes sour,

Sour like the sound of a loud horn,

That goes on and on and on!

My Life as I see it,

has all the flavors,

It depends on me,

Which one do I treasure!

For all days do have a night,

Darkness has its light,

There is nothing that cannot unfold,

we just need to be bold,

And celebrate each day

Before the time slips away! 

Raman Bahl
13th October, 2018

Ahmedabad Diaries! 

Dear Diary,

Here I am, stuck again! Ideally these are supposed to my last few hours here, before I head back to Delhi but my tickets are not confirmed yet. Thanks to K and his super-duper plans that this is happening for the second time with me in the past 15 days. It happened in Assam as well where my flight got cancelled and I had to get an another one for the next day (got a bonus day there!). Looks like this day's going to be bonus one too! ;) 

When it comes to Gujarat, I'll always be up for such bonuses! I worked here for good 2.5 years, in one of my favorite places - the place which taught me a lot, which gave me some 'life-long' (if I may use this term 😉) relations, some fantastic memories and a lot more! And while I still need to make up mind about what lies ahead (continued from the time of my previous write up - WELL FROM WAY BEFORE THAT), let me take a moment to remember the amazing last 5 days here, having spent them with my 'very special' (if I may use this term 😉) people! 

Gujju land has always come with its package of surprises for me. My all time favorite shopping spot - The National Handloom Emporium. I used to follow a very crazy routine when I was here (believe it or not) - I used to go there almost every Sundays and shop a nice Kurta for myself from there. By the end of those 2.5 years here, I would have owned (and still own) some 30 Kurtas, and 'Kurta-Denim Jeans' still is my dress-code almost on all days, where ever I go! 

As the custom routine, I went for Kurta shopping from National Handloom and bought a nice 'Haldi' color Kurta for myself (intelligent people would be able to guess why only 'Haldi' color 😊). And as I just mentioned about the surprise package, N surprised me there by showing up suddenly out of nowhere and I just could not control myself and shouted excitedly at the top of my voice, unintentionally grabbing the attention of almost everyone on the floor! 

My evenings were the usual 'junk' and conversations (not a lot though) about the 'junkies' of my life! 

Yesterday evening was even more special! Me and K were out at 11:30 PM, we hadn't had our dinner, so we were out this time to have special Noodles and Gujju Pizza! It was followed by a very special Gola place. K told me that this Gola guy makes 12K per day just by spending a few evening hours running this Gola stall! The Gola actually was delicious!!

I cannot ever forget the special evening when I asked to take me for a silent dinner, and then N arranged for something called as the 'moved by love dinner' for me, which was truly a moving experience! 

Thank you Ahmedabad! :) 

Dear Diary,

I have a mix of emotions, like right now! There is probably no emotion that I am not experiencing at this point of time -

a) I am missing the presence of  'a few' people around - for very obvious reasons! 

b) I am excited as the D-day strikes closer for me - some people have been counting backwards! 

c) I am a bit frustrated when I dig a little deeper within myself - that too for obvious reasons! 

d) I am anxious for the time ahead - not knowing an inch about how things will look like for me! 

e) I am confused for the anxiety that I have! 

f) I am happy that I consciously decided to take this time off - like a break! A break sounded like a big deal for me till last month - and whether this is actually a 'break' in the truest sense, I am sure people will definitely doubt that as well! ;)

But yes, it does look like a break as I do not have a fixed 'routine'! 

My life is about to change in the next 2 months, and honestly, I am not able to foresee any of it right now! God knows, what's going to happen! 

Last 2 days, I have been in Assam - this is my first ever travel in the eastern part of the country. Just got in touch with a friend who needed help with her 'Tea Garden' schools here. Am here for a couple of days more - and then heading back to the reality! 

The last 2 days were inspiring in a lot of ways - I met children who have not studied much of English but they still managed a class almost completely in English with me ! And then their teachers who just were happy (I am assuming ;)) to meet me and listen to a few of my experiences! 

I am spending my evenings doing fun! Yesterday was my all time favourite dinner - Paneer, Daal Makhni, Naan and Masala Papad! 

Today I did a horse riding session, then a walk by the Brahmaputra, followed by having some 'junk' at 'Let's go' ! (the junk bit got me nostalgic and reminded me of the obvious one!)

The horse ride :) 

The walk by the Brahmaputra! 

The 'nostalgic' junk! 

And as I still clear my head out, here's some happiness in the people of Assam hearing about my wedding! 

 2 more days!! 

The deep thoughts - The type - writer voice! 

Thank you! 

Here's an ode to some of my favourites! I can relate to some of them - probably for having experienced them in my life...some of them I believe in and some of them I want to believe in /apply now!

As I read each one of them, I get reminded of something - something that is deep there, somewhere in me - speaking for itself! 

It will be difficult to probably share everything, but here's an attempt! :)

Very tough, but very true! Have not been able to apply this in my life - I like emotions, thoughts, people and situations which are permanent - forever and ever types! How can you just move on in life, just flow with things? #wanttoapply

#wanttobelieve

Its very rare, coming across such people - people who can be there for you - like anytime, unconditionally . Even when they that they are there for you - may be it does not always get validated - ALL the time! Everyone has their own limitations! 

#sosotrue

The Almighty has got it all! :) 

#reflection

This is just so deep!  Who am I when no one's watching? That reflects who you truly are! 

#that'sme

But I do not do the stupidest random shit when I get comfortable! I share - everything, literally! Everything! 

#belief

Once broken, relationships cannot be mended back! You've got to respect and maintain them! Have experienced a few rare cases though - where ofcourse things did not remain the way they were - but at least it was better to have something than nothing - to say the least! 

#sodifficult

How can this be possible? Everyone on this planet is going to get lost - now or later! But deep! 

Ah! 

#yes! 

#belief

Its difficult but I have done this before - a couple of times! Increased my confidence level drastically! 

#belief

For giving us so much, 

The Family,

The Love,

The Friends,

The Life,

The People,

The Care, 

The Concern! 

#hmm

#I will!! 

#haveexperienced

Know this feeling! :) 

Statement of Purpose - Why am I doing what I am doing?

It was interesting to reflect on the Statement of Purpose today. The purpose - why I am doing, what I am doing. It was a part of the training session today - where everyone was made to think about this and something which stood out for me.

When I started thinking about it, HONESTLY, I was not getting a real answer. I do have a huge poster in my office which reads - PURPOSE - KIDS - surrounded by memories of kids from TFI and from my time spent training teachers in Himachal, (Gujarat is still missing here and the memories which will be created now, here, are not there - will keep adding them as the time passes).

Today while thinking about it, yes the kids definitely came to my mind - but only for an instant, What came was this -

"For the dearth of an entity called _______ <something is missing>"

And then I wrote there - "think about it!" 

I do not know suddenly why kids did not come as THE answer today - which makes me think about yet another thing - "Does this SoP keep changing, as one progresses in life?" Probably, YES! (and btw this poster thing is just a week old exercise, I did in school - just with myself!) 

Reflecting more about the SoP now, I think why I am doing what I am doing is for finding what this "missing" piece is. I have not been able to find it out, till date. And probably that is the reason that I am mostly restless.

And while this quest for finding that "something" continues, here is to a new beginning -

 And to this -

<in the perfect weather lying down in the garden right outside school - looking at the sky and simultaneously thinking about work!>

Battling the fears? Or something else? 

I am not sure as to what is the cause of what's happening to me these days! Or may be I know the reason but not willing to accept it, and hence battling it. I literally have been up since 2 AM today, trying to wrap up work. I am quite excited about what's gonna happen. I am looking forward to it. 

There is this new life I have. The kind of life I did not actually even dream of. Its like - some roads are destined to be covered irrespective.  Its that road. Its that path which I am traversing right now. 

I am in a city these days - that's a huge transition from where I was a couple of months back. It's a new life - the life where I am learning to manage and manage quite a lot - right from when do I need to send my clothes for laundry?, what to cook for the night?, where do I go to purchase 'xyz' things, etc and to things like how can 'this' be taught in class, how could I become better in dealing with certain situations with certain people - it's about everything! 

To say the least - it is teaching me a lot - things that I could not even think of doing - I am doing them now. I always had this fear of swimming in the dark - today, even though I have been up since such a long time, I pushed myself to do this - I do not know what ignited me (or may be I know and again not willing to accept it) but I did it! And I am quite proud about it! 

I do have a lot of thoughts in mind - but I am going to save them for the plans that I have ahead! I think I just want to sum up by reiterating something that I wrote a few months back :- 

It's interesting to see how certain general unintended interactions with people can cause a sudden turn of events for you in general. Life takes a sudden U-turn from being focused towards a goal to getting deviated from it and thinking more about the present deviation! Such are the times, when actually one should not get lost in the nitty-gritties of the deviation, rather gather courage to take a step back and come back on the original track!

I know its easy said than being done, but its a total bliss the moment you realize something is trying to enervate all that you have, and you start taking actions to replenish yourself!

In a hope to write more! 

Raman Bahl