1st June is here! And its an important day! 

Yes, its an important day, since it marks the beginning of June. And June is a very important month for me since I have loads to be accomplished this month. Below are the several reasons that makes this day important:-

1) Today, I am exactly 3 days away from the much awaited trip "GOA". I don't know why is it awaited, since I am 0% percent excited about it (as of now). I am rather scared of it (for various reasons! :P). But still, I want to be there, get lost in the beach, and be with myself! Rejuvenate! Just the idea that I am going to be away from Delhi, for 5 days, makes me wait for it! 

2) After coming back from Goa, I have to finalize a lot of things. BTCP, post TFI options (though I have been deciding this since last one year, haha :D and never came to a conclusion! :P), have to plan for class and blah blah blah blah (stuff similar to these :P)! 

3) Have to prepare myself for lots of downs! :P Yeaah :P, though I sincerely hope that "downs" don't happen! Haha :D This day makes me exactly a month away from school! So a lot of "downs"!  :D 

4) And also, 5 people in my family, were born in this month! So, the birthdays make this month extra special! Since I will be tensed most of the times (which again I do not want to be! :P), the birthday parties will reduce the stress a little, I believe! Bring peace! And make me happy! Hopefully! :D 

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!! 

So, Raman Bahl, GET SET GOooooooooo!!!!! :D 

Certain things not destined to be yours! 

I was just wondering how one's life is determined by what's written in his destiny! Though I also believe that one can change his/her destiny but do not know how that happens. I have led my life by thinking the least about it and opting whatever comes my way. 

Whenever I have given a thought about something, very deeply, then that thing never happens to me. Yeah, that's so true! When I start taking interest in something, and want to get it, I never get it! haha, I do sound funny but this is the reality! o_O

Anyway, now I do not really want to mention about what I wanted and what I did not get. Enough of all that!  I am now just waiting for this break to get over, get busy with school and kids, and do some productive work man! This idle time kills me from within. It makes me feel uncomfortable. And it makes me think about issues I do not want to think. Being idle, for me, is surely a crime. Coz I think I do the most stupid stuff when I am idle. People at home take this as an advantage. When I am free, then they make me do stupid stuff and I do not like doing that at all. 

Now coming June, I shall go to school, make myself busy and do everything that will prevent me from thinking about issues that I do not want to think. I do not want to be dependent on too many people around me. That's it! People never guarantee you anything!! Aarrgh! 

The obsession is not right, but I can't help it! 

I have suddenly developed this huge obsession for one of my friends. And I know that it is not good, but still I am not able to come out of it. What to do? Neither I can ignore, nor I can be too much obsessed with that friend of mine.

I am not feeling good today. And the entire blame has to go on too much dependence of mine on others. Knowing the fact, that this obsession is not going to help anyway, still I became obsessed with that friend. And also, I am very well aware that obsession is not good if you are expecting that friendship to last forever.   In spite of the awareness, I got obsessed. And this is not happening for the first time. Wow, Raman!  You're just so good!!

Obsession has not helped anyone, as they say "Excess of everything is bad!". So excess of friendship is also bad. It has just created problems.

And now having such days consecutively since last week, I now suddenly feel that the best way to keep myself away from all this is getting busy. Getting busy with loads of stuff. I am missing school!

36 days more to go!

Came across this and felt like sharing! 

Today, I read an article by Wendy Kopp, CEO, Teach for America. In that article, she talks about the three myths about making an impact. 

Myth#1

Its better to wait until you have some experience

Myth#2

Having an impact is about being first. 

Myth#3

Coming up with a big idea. 

Conclusion: Do not put your desire to change the world on hold. Start now, in constant pursuit of learning and impact. 

My Reflection on this: The myths are true and I believe that age/experience/being first/big idea does not really contribute to making an impact. An impact can be made just by one small work that you do. The basic factor is the motivation that lies within you, to make an impact. But at the same time I also feel that  being knowledgeable really counts. Knowledge in terms of what people actually need. What are the things that are hindering their progress? What can I do to make sure that those hindrances are removed? And then only the impact will be a sustainable one. 

And now after reading this, I am thinking about my BTCP. What should it be? 

Umm, will find it out really soon! :) 

Routine these days! 

I would like to write my routine that I am following these days. Not because it is something that requires publishing but because I want to realize myself what I do. 

Morning!! 

I get up at around 5:30 AM (yeah, that is my habit! :P). Then by 6:30 I would get ready, then go for driving practice. Then when I come back, I eat breakfast. By 8, I would be just sitting idle after finishing breakfast.  And on rare occasions like these, I would write (blog/diary/anything else) or read something (if the book that I am reading is interesting enough :P). If I am not doing any of this, then I would go back to sleep. Sleep till 11 AM. Yes, I like sleeping when I am at home. Then till 12 I would just start cribbing. Cribbing for some stupid reasons. Like: Shit I do not have anything to do! What to do now? I do not feel like doing anything! Why the hell I am at home today? I should have gone out. Done something. Then I would start blaming myself for reasons like I do not have any other interests apart from my work. I do not have a big goal for myself. I am just good for nothing. 

Afternoon!! 

Then by 12 PM or so, I would take out my laptop. Today its not yet 12. But since I have nothing to do, so this blogpost! :D Then I would check my emails. Ha! As if I am the busiest persons on this earth and get lot of emails. And simultaneously I would check my notifications on fb. As if I am a celebrity and get lots of notifications or I am very popular in my peer group that they all keep tagging me, or keep posting me on fb. None of these. Then also I do not know why I keep checking emails and notifications on fb. There should be a fixed time for this. 

By the time I finish doing all this, mom would call me for lunch. I finish eating in less than 10 minutes. And then I feel that I should do something productive and that I have wasted time since morning. And then suddenly, this would come up: "Ohh!! I am so tired now and should sleep for sometime, I am not fresh enough to do anything right now!" And then I will again go back to sleep. Sleep till 5 PM easily. 

Evening!! 

Now again after getting up, I would crib. Crib for various reasons. By this time, my mom realizes that I have not been feeling very comfortable since morning. And then she would talk to me. Give me various suggestions. And then I would show my discomfort to her. That's all I do. 

Then, may be I would go for a walk. But before this, I would think twice, thrice about many questions. Like: I do not have a friend nearby with whom I can walk. What will I do? I do not need a work out. And similar things. Somehow, I prepare my mind to move out. And I would take my phone with me. So I call people. Talk to them. Share my problems with them (problems that are not exactly problems when I am working or when I am busy, but when I have a lot of free time to think!) 

Night! 

And then the dinner. Which I would again eat in less than 10 minutes. May be I would watch TV when I am eating. And I do not like watching TV! I hate it! After this, I would again check emails and notifications. At this time I would feel that I have not chatted on fb today. I would chat for may be 10 minutes with somebody whom I have not spoken to for a long time. And I may/may not get a reply from that person's side. I would wait for sometime. And then I would finally sign out. Shut my laptop. Pick a book. And lie down. I would read for an hour (at max) and then would sleep!!!!! 

So, this is the schedule these days. Any suggestions for me please! I so want to change it. Make my free time busy in way that I do not feel that I am free! Pleeeeeaaassssee! 

Visitors of my blog! I need your comments here! 

Do not know what the heading should be! 

Here I am. End of another day. But this day had no accomplishments at all. I feel incomplete today.

Incomplete in many ways:-

1) Did nothing productive today. 

2) No signs of me getting Ummeed. :'( I do not know what will happen now. Those kids really want to clear tenth grade. Its a must for them. I do not know from where will they get a teacher. 2 years and 2 people have worked really hard on them. I just hope they are motivated enough to do it themselves. Or I hope that things turn around.  For them. For the two teachers who have taught them.

3) I hate the fact that people take me for granted. and today I saw an instance of the same. I do not know what it takes for you to be valued by people. Of course, not too many, since that is not possible. Or is it? I do not know. 

Right now when I am thinking of people for whom I am really valuable, I am actually not getting anyone except family. Is it just me who longs for this value? Or are there other people as well who want to be valued? I do not know even that. I just know that if I am the only person on this earth "desperate" for being valued, then I really have to change this. But how? Its too difficult. 

*Sigh* 

I want tomorrow asap! 

Wandering in the streets of Seelampur, Shahadara and Welcome! ;) 

So today I was in the streets of Seelampur, Shahadara and Welcome. It was real fun! :) And while I was roaming, I got a chance to think about a lot of things!!! 

About the people living in the community:-

• In spite of such narrow lanes, small houses, really small businesses, the people could smile. Wow! I was truly amazed to see this. 
• When my friend told them the purpose of why we were there, some of them really supported us! One of them took us on his bike to the people who we could talk to and who could help us! 
• People understand! I had always thought that others never have the time to listen to anyone. But I was really happy to see that people try to listen and understand you (obviously, when the topic of discussion is understandable! :P)
• Even they want to eradicate the problems by helping! But the problem is of the resources. They do not have enough to offer to needy people. 
• People can discuss their own problems, in the first meeting. Main factor: TRUST! If people trust you, then while listening, they can also share their own problems with you. And building trust does not really take that long! Or does it? I do not know. Walking in the streets there for 3 or 4 hours, and talking to people whom we met for the first time, we also got to listen a lot about their problems. Isn't it trust that made them share with us? 
• People want to make their living "lively". No matter how narrow the lanes are, they want to beautify it, celebrate it to their level best!! Below is a picture of a lane I clicked.which was really narrow, but how people made it lively, I was happy to see that!!!! :) 

*Sigh* 

And while my friend was there enquiring...I was thinking about all this also:-

• I did not really have a purpose behind going there, except helping my friend out. But I was feeling happy about being there. Just by getting to know about people, just by exploring about these areas. And now when this day is about to end, I feel that I have done something. I do not know what. But still I get this feeling. 
• I do not know what am I getting out of this. But still I feel like exploring more. Just walking without a destination! Wandering! 

Ready to go for this again tomorrow! :) 

Okay!!!

Just 2 days back, I was so happy with the fact that the "Summer Break" has started! :D Yesterday was one of the busiest days so far. And today its going to be all the more busy! I am lovin' it! :D 

I met the kids at Ummeed yesterday. Taught two complete lessons. To my surprise, the kids understood them! :P

Today is another day when I have a lot to do. A lot to connect! A lot to accomplish! Will be travelling from one corner of the city to another! 

Hope this day brings in new hopes and happiness! :) 

I welcome today's morning! 

Morning ! 

As this day approaches,

I promise to remain calm and composed,

I promise to be on my own,

I promise to remain happy, busy during all times of the day! 

I assure myself that this day will be productive,

for I have miles to go, 

to reach the final destination! 

This day is one milestone, which I have to achieve! 

This day will be mine, and I shall use it and not waste it...

For I have miles to go, before I sleep, before I sleep!

Last line taken from some other poem (I do not remember the title) :D !! 

And the Summer Break has started! Really?? 

Yesterday was the last day in school. My kids gave so many gifts, told me that they are going to miss me! <3 And I was just thinking about the break, Ummeed and Babul-ul-loom!!! I am so happy that I have got this break and now finally I can think something about what to do. Which path to opt for? 

The break is not really a break for me. I will start with teacher training next week at Babul-ul-loom. And I will also visit Ummeed to decide what to do. Looking forward to the next 50 days. And also how can I forget Goaaa.. 

I hope this break sets me up and prepares me for the next big year at TFI!! 

Welcome Summer Holidays! :D

And now atleast I have applied! 

With a heavy heart! :'( 

Times when you really want to do something, but certain factors make you take a step back from them. :'( You feel so depressed, as if there is no life. No hopes :( 

I so wanted to be a part of Ummeed. It is an NGO for street children. The aim was to make them get first division in tenth grade CBSE board. I suddenly felt that I should avail this opportunity. And it required 10-12 hours of actual work with these kids. I thought I should  go for it. Went there, looked at everything, met the students, asked what is expected. I felt as if this is for me, for my personal growth, for those kids, and for everyone else. I so wanted to take this challenge. 

But then today, on the final day to apply for this, I cannot apply for it. :'( 

The deadline just passed 4 minutes back. :( 

Feeling so sad! :'( 

Do I have the drive? 

I do long for doing something in life. But what is it? And then when I start doing something, why do I start losing the drive? Does that mean that the drive is fake? Or that I do not have high expectations from myself? What is it? I do not know.

This day has been super lazy. I did nothing at all. Felt too sleepy. Isn't it just not okay to keep some days like this? I had a super hectic last week. I was tired. So it's okay if I slept and just lazed around. Why am I feeling guilty right now? 

Am I just made to work all the time? Can't I sit idle for sometime of my life? Are all human beings bound to be like this? Or am I the only one who likes to keep moving every time. But even if I am walking, then what is the destination where I have to reach? What is that one place which will keep me happy and contented for my lifetime? And not just me but also people back in my family! Will I ever be able to find that out? Or am I going to be leading a life like this throughout? I cannot live a life like this. 

Dear God, please help me to find answers to these questions. I want them! Its been so long that I am just thinking about what to do. Now I think I should get into action. I should decide that one thing which I really want to do. And keep everyone around me happy. Please God, help me! 

Help me to resuscitate my life,

Help me to have a goal,

a goal that can make me happy,

a goal that can make me contented,

a goal which I can fight for,

a goal that I can aim for, 

a goal, which when accomplished, makes me and my family happy

a goal that can cause a fire in me,

a goal that can be long lived by me! 

Listen to my prayers, for I now need a life of some aim. A life of a purpose. A life without grievances. A life that can be lived! A life when I do not feel guilty for even a single day. When I feel that yes I have done something..something for all the people around me and for myself too.

 Dear Life, I want to love you, truly! :)

What do I want? 

What do I want? Yes, this is the question that I have been asking myself, every now and then, ever since I have started thinking about myself. This question though, keeps changing from time to time, but the crux remains the same all the time. 

Like:-

1) What do I want from myself?

I have been thinking about this since quite a long time now and I have never got an answer. What do I want to do? What do I want to do with my life? What do I want to accomplish? I do not know any of this. I think I am just a "person of the moment", as in I keep thinking about the present moment. I never think about my future. Or do I think? Yeah, at times when I have tried to think about it, I did not get any answer for sure. What do I want from myself in the long run? What is the big goal for me? I do not know anything. It still remains a suspense. I am 23 years old now, I do not know where will I be next year after the Fellowship gets over .

2) What do I want from the friends I have? 

Now, this is really stupid. I meet friends. Have met amazing people in the last one year. But when I meet them, I do not feel happy, sometimes. Is that because they make fun of me? Because I am somebody who is laughed at. When I think about it from one side of the coin, I think its good that people make fun of me (because of several reasons!) and I have that something which makes people laugh. Not every person can make others laugh. And that by their laugh, I get to understand a lot of loopholes in me that I have to correct. So when they laugh, I get reminded of those loopholes and I get a chance to improve on them. 

But  when I look at it from the other side of the coin, when ever I leave them, back home I feel really depressed. I tend to think that may be I was called there so that they could laugh. And every time when I am being called by them, I know the fact that I am going to be laughed at, but still I go. I sometimes feel uncomfortable when suddenly something happens and then people laugh at me. 

But what is that thing that makes them laugh? Even that I do not know.

I do not know what my friends think of me. Am I really that important for them? Or is it just the "moment" again that connects me to them. But I am sure that some of them will remember me for I made them laugh so much! That's it! And that's what keeps me going on.

3) What do I want to do with me?

Now this is really tough. I think I have never loved myself more than anyone else. And that is wrong. Probably that's the reason that I lack confidence at times. Confidence in everything. Things that I do. Things that I think about. Things that I want to do. I get influenced by others around me. And that I lack individuality. And that this should not happen. 

Conclusion: 

I have to change a lot of "me". I have to start loving myself. Start appreciating myself. I have to think that I am going to get better. In everything. In whatever I do. In the way I look (yes, I hate that also (so fat now!! :D), in the way I perceive things. In the way people perceive me. I have to make something out of "me". And I have to start saying that "I believe in myself!" And I do not know how to do this also! :D But its okay, something will happen! 

And now will this just remain a blogpost or will I actually do something about it? Lets see!!! 

Till then let me cherish this one---->>> (Probably the best that I have till date! :D )

An Ode to Mc.Donalds! :D I am lovin it! :P 

This is my favourite eating place. No matter how much I have eaten in a day, I will never say no to this place. I do not know but there is something here. There is something about this place that I just cannot avoid! The aroma, the atmosphere, the burgers, ice-creams....ummm..just too much!! And I have that eagle eye when it comes to this place : I can see that big, yellow "M" from really far!! Yes, I am a Mc.D fanatic (:P, do not know whether fanatic is the correct word to use here :P) 

So, once I remember I was really off. So exhausted. Could not do anything. Did not wish to do anything. I was just so low. Something happened back in college. Suddenly my brother came, and saw me depressed, and said in a loud voice, "lets go to Mc. D!" And I got up that very instant, changed clothes and in no time was ready to go there. I was fond of that 20 bucks Mc. Aloo Ticki that time. One burger, a coke and then that chocolate coated vanilla ice cream on a cone!! Too much for me to be satisfied and be happy! 

Being in TFI, this place has become an integral part of my life! hahaha :D After all the blah blah blah in school, all the failures and successes in classroom, all happiness and depression, I have visited this place very often. I am lucky to have this so close to my school. Every Fridays or Saturdays, I would be here with my co-fellow. We would discuss our lives, problems in classrooms, and sometimes just not talk, but eat, fill our stomachs with all the things we get here. :D (I know I am sounding like one crazy man. :P) 

I also remember, last year, when winter break was just approaching, I was craving to get here. My co-fellow had left for her home town a day before. So, I had no company at all. Now if somebody knows me well, can easily guess what I did! :P I went to Mc. D's alone!!!!! :D And enjoyed the meal of 2 people! :D 

Its Thursday today. I could not wait for Saturday to come this time! So here I was:---->>>> 

Okay, enough!! No more Mc. D for a week! :D :D See you next Friday/Saturday!! :D 

Tadaa :D