What do I want? 

What do I want? Yes, this is the question that I have been asking myself, every now and then, ever since I have started thinking about myself. This question though, keeps changing from time to time, but the crux remains the same all the time. 

Like:-

1) What do I want from myself?

I have been thinking about this since quite a long time now and I have never got an answer. What do I want to do? What do I want to do with my life? What do I want to accomplish? I do not know any of this. I think I am just a "person of the moment", as in I keep thinking about the present moment. I never think about my future. Or do I think? Yeah, at times when I have tried to think about it, I did not get any answer for sure. What do I want from myself in the long run? What is the big goal for me? I do not know anything. It still remains a suspense. I am 23 years old now, I do not know where will I be next year after the Fellowship gets over .

2) What do I want from the friends I have? 

Now, this is really stupid. I meet friends. Have met amazing people in the last one year. But when I meet them, I do not feel happy, sometimes. Is that because they make fun of me? Because I am somebody who is laughed at. When I think about it from one side of the coin, I think its good that people make fun of me (because of several reasons!) and I have that something which makes people laugh. Not every person can make others laugh. And that by their laugh, I get to understand a lot of loopholes in me that I have to correct. So when they laugh, I get reminded of those loopholes and I get a chance to improve on them. 

But  when I look at it from the other side of the coin, when ever I leave them, back home I feel really depressed. I tend to think that may be I was called there so that they could laugh. And every time when I am being called by them, I know the fact that I am going to be laughed at, but still I go. I sometimes feel uncomfortable when suddenly something happens and then people laugh at me. 

But what is that thing that makes them laugh? Even that I do not know.

I do not know what my friends think of me. Am I really that important for them? Or is it just the "moment" again that connects me to them. But I am sure that some of them will remember me for I made them laugh so much! That's it! And that's what keeps me going on.

3) What do I want to do with me?

Now this is really tough. I think I have never loved myself more than anyone else. And that is wrong. Probably that's the reason that I lack confidence at times. Confidence in everything. Things that I do. Things that I think about. Things that I want to do. I get influenced by others around me. And that I lack individuality. And that this should not happen. 

Conclusion: 

I have to change a lot of "me". I have to start loving myself. Start appreciating myself. I have to think that I am going to get better. In everything. In whatever I do. In the way I look (yes, I hate that also (so fat now!! :D), in the way I perceive things. In the way people perceive me. I have to make something out of "me". And I have to start saying that "I believe in myself!" And I do not know how to do this also! :D But its okay, something will happen! 

And now will this just remain a blogpost or will I actually do something about it? Lets see!!! 

Till then let me cherish this one---->>> (Probably the best that I have till date! :D )